Thick and Thin with This Girl

For the last couple months (and especially the last couple weeks), I’ve been receiving all these “Back-to-school” emails for athletes—forms to fill out, dates to mark on calendars, and emails from coaches and captains, making sure that we’re all keeping in shape.  Every time I get one, my eyes secretly roll into the back of my head, or I just scan right over them.  At this point, I wondered when I was going to be removed from this email list, but for priority registration purposes, I had hope it would be later, rather than sooner.  I definitely didn’t expect it to happen today.  After all, is UC Davis compliance really all that organized?

So to say the least, it was a surprise for me to get the email from compliance.  Straight and to the point,  it said that I had been “removed from the roster… Reason: Quit team.”  There’s probably few other ways to put that, and the thing is, it’s the truth.  But seeing in writing that I’ve not only been removed from the roster, but I’ve “quit,” kind of freaked me out.  I started to panic, and it officially felt real. 

I received the email at work, so it really wasn’t appropriate for me to react to it.  I didn’t know what to do, but I knew I was upset.  So that’s where real reason for this blog post comes in.  Kailyn Ono was my roommate last year, and our situations are very similar.  Long story short, we have both “retired” from gymnastics.  She was forced to medically retire because of an injury in January of this year, and I had my 4^th gymnastics-related surgery just a few weeks later.  While I wasn’t officially done with gymnastics until this summer, the doubts of my comeback began back then too—and not just by me.  Now, we’re both trying to figure out what we’re going to do next.  And I’d like to think I’ve been (and will continue to be) there for her, just as much as she’s been there for me.  Especially lately.

KO and I. We will ALWAYS be Aggies at heart.
That's all that matters, right?

Today she calmed me down.  Significantly.  I feel so much better than I did before I texted her.  I was trying desperately to be okay, and for a second there, I couldn’t seem to do it.  So this is my long, drawn out “thank you” to her.  Cause she’s amazing.  And unbelievably strong.  And through thick and thin, we’re going to figure out what to do next.  And be amazing at whatever it is we decide.

Seven Month Hump

It’s been almost two months since my last entry.  Back then, I couldn’t decide if I was going to make that post my last one, or if I was going to continue writing.  Well since, I’m yet to start a new blog, I might as well keep going here.

I meant to write a blog post at my six month “anniversary,” but to be honest, I didn’t have a whole lot of time, and there really wasn’t a lot developing in terms of my knee, gymnastics, my “comeback,” etc.  But today’s special too.  Today I am seven months post surgery.  And I could’ve never imagined this is where I would be today.

Ever since I called my coach and emailed my teammates, I felt like I’d been handling the change pretty well.  I felt confident I made the right decision, and I felt ready for whatever else I would be doing in life.  Not to mention, my knee was almost constantly hurting, so it seemed like I made the obvious and right decision.

But these last few days have been different.  I’ve been able to start working out more, and for some reason, that’s what’s making the difference.  All summer my knee was hurting. It was so hard for me to convince myself to work out, because simply the thought of exercise, made my knee hurt more. 

And of course, now that I’m working out more, my knee is hurting less.  It’s getting stronger, but that’s almost more disappointing than the pain.  If I would’ve tried and fought harder, would my situation be different now?   I told myself that no matter what, my inability to continue gymnastics wasn’t because I didn’t try hard enough, and now I’m just struggling to convince myself that that is still true.  Maybe it’s because the Olympics are over, and I’m really starting to miss my teammates back at Davis, but I really miss gymnastics.  A lot.  I don’t think I regret the decision, because there’s still a high change of me reinjuring my knee, or worse, getting healthy and just not being good enough.

Up until recently, I thought I was doing so well.  Handling the whole situation with my head held high, and looking at the bright side of it all.  But every once in awhile, I just catch glimpses of what I used to have, and how it used to make me feel.   I’m having a hard time figuring out what I’m going to do next.  After all, it’s who I was, and right now, I not only feel like I can’t get away from it, I also can’t seem to move on.